When You Go
by SapphireMind
Summary: A song fic, chronicling some of the major turning points in the relationship between the 10th Doctor and Rose. Currently set as complete, but may add a companion chapter at some point.


AN: So, I was listening to this song as I've been in the middle of rewatching all the modern Doctors with my daughter and it occurred to me that it would make a perfect songfic for several reasons. One: it's beautiful, by one of my favorite artists (Jonathan Coulton) Two: It just fit so nicely for them. Three: It's creative commons license, which means as long as I do not make money from it (I am not) I am allowed to freely reprint the lyrics to incorporate into the story without any risk of copyright infringement.

Without further ado – When You Go by Jonathan Coulton www dot youtube dot com/watch?v=gA8M4qfBfBU can be bought at www dot jonathancoulton dot com

_Only a moment ago we had nothing but time_

_Everything lasted forever and you were all mine_

_Only a dream I know_

_Thinking you'd never go_

_Tearing off pieces of myself_

_Just for the time it buys me_

_Fold my heart up small_

_Or break it into pieces_

_Find somewhere and keep it there_

_Take it when you go_

The Doctor had lied to himself so many times. The Doctor lies, after all. But this one lie he had allowed himself to believe could be a truth: that Rose would stay with him forever. She wanted to stay; he knew she fully intended to do it. But his life was dangerous and he knew they would be separated, far too quickly. He hadn't imagined it would be like this though: her trapped in a parallel universe, without him.

But, she was alive and well – far more than he could assure himself that she would be if she had stayed with him. The truth was that if she had stayed with him, the chances of her facing an ugly death were higher than he ever wanted to face. But selfishly, he kept her with him. And with every adventure, every time she narrowly avoided death, a part of him died at the thought of the time when it wouldn't be a near miss.

Now she was trapped away from him, trapped with Mickey the Idiot and her daft mother. Far better and safer than with him; he knew this on many levels. But selfishly he wanted to rage and destroy, because he wanted her with him and she held pieces of him – parts that he never dreamt he would be willing to give up again.

And when she was sobbing in front of his projection, confessing her love – words she had never even managed to say to him before – he was a coward. He couldn't get the words out fast enough. Such small words, but words he hadn't uttered to another in this sense, not since the death of his wife and family. Those words hurt so much, too much. But he couldn't bear for her to think he didn't return her love and he fully intended to get them out, but he struggled for too long.

He ended alone, always alone. The Doctor and his TARDIS. And memories of a woman who still held important pieces of his hearts, no matter the distance. There was no one even to see the tears.

_There in the frame of your face, in the cast of your eyes_

_I saw this coming but still I am caught by surprise_

_All of this time I knew_

_That I'd be losing you_

_That doesn't mean that it's OK_

_That doesn't mean I'm ready_

_Fold my heart up small_

_Or break it into pieces_

_Find somewhere and keep it there_

_Take it when you go_

Penance; that was what it had to be. Punishment for all of the horrible things he did. For the times he chose who lived, who died. For breaking the laws of time. That's the only reason the Doctor could come up with for him having to do it a second time: say goodbye to Rose.

He could have left the half-human version of himself there by himself. Handy would manage. He didn't have a TARDIS or a screwdriver, so it would have been safe enough, but he was still left with the same conundrum about Rose. He wanted her with him, desperately. But it wasn't a safe life. It wasn't a life she deserved.

The Doctor still remembered those flashes of what could have been, had he stayed John Smith and married Joan Redfern. But being a Time Lord, the last Time Lord, he couldn't do it. He wouldn't be able to have children. He wouldn't be able quiet the Time Vortex inside his head. He wouldn't be able to _not_ travel. And it would guarantee that he would see Rose die, by violence or age.

He feared that if he saw her die, there would be nothing left of him worth saving; she held too much of him inside of her. And so he had to surgically excise pieces of his hearts now, before she could take more – all. He couldn't give her the choice; he knew that if she really knew she was choosing, she would always pick the Time Lord. But the Doctor needed, for the safety of the universe and his own sanity, for her to be with his clone. He needed to know that somewhere, somehow, there was a version of him that got to stay with her and be truly happy, even if it meant that she would forever be separated from him. He needed that future of happiness and family to come true with Rose.

_Some things you always remember, some things you forget_

_No way to make it up now, no room for regret_

_That's no good for anyone_

_And so I come undone_

_Now I am less than what I was_

_Whatever's left is yours now_

_So fold my heart up small_

_Or break it into pieces_

_Find somewhere and keep it there_

_Take it when you go_

At the end of this regeneration, it is her. The first person he saw as he was would also be the last. It was always Rose for him. For the first time in centuries, his hearts beat for another person, a person he had to let go, no matter how much he wanted her to stay. And so when his time was running out, he couldn't see her in the other world, but he could see her one last time, before the adventure started.

And then he saw her, through the haze of pain that came with the regeneration: beautiful and perfect for him. A woman with three hearts: her single and the entirety of his two hearts, now given fully, even though it was too late…or too early. He wished he could touch her, but he couldn't and could simply stagger back to the TARDIS, the emptiness inside his chest filled with pain.

He could barely hold on. The Doctor was fighting his regeneration with everything he had. It was the first time for him to fight it like this. Usually regenerating was a mentally peaceful, if physically painful, process. There was no peace for him though. He was afraid of leaving this body, of losing his last link to Rose. He was afraid of forgetting, of not caring anymore. As the golden light filled him and he lost the battle to stay, he at least was able to hold onto the consolation that at least his hearts would live on with her as he cried, "_I don't want to go"_.

AN #2: As I finish this, I see another version, coming from Rose's POV. Might include that as another chapter. We'll see!


End file.
